all i can say is beautiful!!!

Thank you very much.

Very nice.

Thank you.

Hi Lisolette-Anwe

There's a lot of things about this that are good. You've got some nice language, sounds, and a fair sense of pacing. What I feel is lacking atm is a sense of what you want the poem to achieve thematically. It's pretty, and striking, but is presented in such a imagistic way that it's difficult to derive a purpose behind it. In short: how do you want the reader to react to this? Ought they to feel sad, happy, or what? Obviously, to state anything like that outright is reductive and over-simplifying, but it's something that's important to have clear in one's mind.

Also, examine what you say a little closer. For example: do water droplets actually tinkle at all? The simile feels good and assured at first, but it doesn't really work. Also, what does this relate to? What is tinkling? It looks like you've set up a kind of metaphorical fallacy: bells are like water droplets are like a strong Irish mist is like a veil. How does the veil, the only thing that *actually* exists here, tinkle?

You can refine some of the language, too. Perhaps 'guided' would be better than 'commanded', for example. 'Made' would be better than 'created' in terms of the line's musicality. And so on.

Hope this helps in some way. With just a bit of refinement this will be lovely.

Thanks,
James

--
mimesis, the poetry journal

Buy Mimesis issue one here.
Buy Mimesis issue two here.

Oh my, I wasn't expecting a comment, let alone a critique on this, especially from you. But of course you targeted the one piece in my gallery I was especially unhappy with and unsure about because the style was alien to me. But I am exceedingly pleased with your critique and thank you for pointing out some of the obvious things that I had overlooked when writing this.

In response to one thing you had pointed out. "metaphorical fallacy: bells are like water droplets are like a strong Irish mist is like a veil. How does the veil, the only thing that *actually* exists here, tinkle?"

The veil tinkles because in this particular instance, rather culture, that I am writing of, it is not uncommon to have a beaded or bell-sewn veil. It's one of those in-the-know moments, but I will still clarify that in my writing.

As for the emotions that are derived from my poem, I would have to say, awe and desire.

I will most assuredly correct all of the flaws with this work and put your advice to good use. Thank you so much for taking the time to review my work, it is most appreciated, James.

So once again, thank you kindly.

This does appear to be more prosaic in form than what I've read previously from you Lisolette. But is still works. The mixture of visually inspiring language and allusion creates something mythic in my perception.

I think I'll need to read it a few dozen times more.

This does appear to be more prosaic in form than what I've read previously from you Lisolette. But is still works. The mixture of visually inspiring language and allusion creates something mythic in my perception.

I think I'll need to read it a few dozen times more.

Quite so, it was almost painful to write, it's so alien to me. Not a style I'm at all familiar with.
I'm honoured that you've read my work. But oh, thank you for such a lovely compliment. I'm terribly glad you enjoyed it.